Avoiding Creditors Legally by: Shmeric

Do you have credit problems? When you buy something, do you pretty much know that some jerk in New Jersey is going to start calling you more than that annoying one night-stand? Well I feel your pain! I have personally been the victim of countless scams that invovle me paying my own bills. I know right, the audacity! Who do they think they are, William Shatner? Well I've come up with some tips to help you avoid paying those nasty overage charges, or those annoying credit card fees that you didn't even authorize! If I can save just one poor college student from the added stress of once again explaining to Juanita that you don't have the money and even if you did you still wouldn't pay, then my work hasn't been in vain. Follow my instructions carefully.

1. Send your cell phone bill to the collection agency---How can they call you if your phone got cut off. That'll show 'em. You're not going to be bossed around by some multi-national corporation.
2. When Juanita asks, is this shmeric? you say, no this is shmeric's dad, can I take a message. When she begins to explain who she is and what she wants you tell her to come down to Mississippi and "git it!" She'll think twice before messing with Shmeric's angry, unemployed father who's obviously looking to take out his frustrations with life on an illegal alien.
3. If your bill collector informs you of how much you owe, you inform her that you don't owe anyone anything. Those dirty bastards took you for a ride and you don't appreciate, then use some choice explicatives, just to drive the point home. That Commie won't call you back for approximately three months.
4. If your bill collector tries to threaten to ruin your credit, let him know that you're probably going to prison soon, and you won't be needing that credit for 9 years, so boo to him and his 7 year penalty.
5. When the bill collectors finally realize you're serious about dodging this bill, they will try to get tough. They think they can intimdate you, but they can't, cuz you're a champ! Lawsuit Shmawsuit, they have to find you before you can be served. That means they have to pay an investigator to track you down---and with your credit history, are they really going to risk it? So don't sweat it.
6. If you wait long enough, the collection agency will actually reduce your bill just to get something out of you----so be patient---it can be worth the wait depending on the bill.
7. Give the collection agency your work phone number. Then when they call make sure your boss is around so you have a witness for your own lawsuit.
8. If you have caller ID, turn these stressful calls around on them and have fun with it! For example:
Latisha "This is Latisha with FAST, I see you owe blah blah blah"
Shmeric "Um, Latisha, can you call me back, I'm taking a sh*t right now."
Latisha "Mr. Shmeric I don't appreciate blah blah blah
*toilet flushes*
CLICK
or get high before a the time they usually call, then when they do
Latisha "This is Latisha with FAST, I see you owe blah blah blah"
Shmeric "Did you ever notice how those Fascists at your job---you know the ones they call "bosses" are always like, "you better be on time...."uh ummmm what were we talking about?"
Latisha "Mr. Shmeric this is a serious matter, do you know what ahm sayin'? Hello? Hello?"
Shmeric *Snoring*
9. Move to Canada---it's not just for draft-dodgers anymore!
10. Join Rehab, nobody can touch there, not even the law! And the best part, all the food is free. You don't even have to pay rent.

So these are my tips for surviving those adrenaline rush provoking calls. Above all though, make sure nobody makes you feel guilty for being unemployed. After all, you shouldn't have to work cuz so many people before you worked hard so you wouldn't have to. Don't let the Commies intimidate you into paying, just because they have secret police and nuclear war heads. I say bring it! and Yes, I will cut my nose off to spite my face!